The Scream: A Horror/Porn/Medical Drama

I’ve always bragged about how quiet my apartment is and I’ve recently realized that was only because half of the apartments were empty.


Despite this fact, things have always been relatively quiet. I live on the bottom floor and my upstairs neighbor, John* and his wheezing chihuahua live above us.

John and I don’t talk much but we have a lot in common. We both watch our TVs really loud and consider a perfect weekday night to include procedural cop shows and chicken wings.

So there I am, laying in my bed, slowly drifting off to sleep when I hear it.


A scream. A legitimate scream. Not a moan. Not a groan.

A scream.

I’d describe it as a mix of Frankenstein attacking a village with the sound of someone in the middle of a particularly painful Charlie Horse mixed with MURDER.

So what do you do in this moment? There are a million horribly sad stories about people who stood back and did nothing while someone was raped/killed/robbed/bullied/shown nude selfies.

I don’t want to be a part of the problem.

But I let it pass. Maybe it was a one time thing. A Charlie Horse! John now knows that potassium is extremely important and will make sure to get lots of it for now on, right? RIGHT?!

Nope. New day. New nap. And it happened again. The scream.


And then the next night:


The frequency has increased and it can now happen up to 6 (!!!) times a day.

Now, guys. What in the actual DUCK is happening here?

Some theories:

Sex: Who is to say that my 67 year old isn’t HITTING it 2-4 times a day? Why not? This is America after all. That is what this country is about. Granted, I have never seen anyone else go up there so maybe he is having sex with a ghost. Or you know, himself. Ugh.

He is keeping someone in a cage (and maybe it’s a sex thing): I was just watching an episode of Law and Order and this happened. The neighbor said she had NO IDEA. Didn’t hear anything. What am I gonna say if a police officer asks me, guys? WHAT WILL I SAY? I HAVE heard something.

The chihuahua has a terrible wheezing cough that sounds like a scream: Poor thing.

Murder: Murder

I saw John* today and he seemed perfectly normal. I smiled. I said hey. I could barely look him in the face.

Now here is my question: WHAT DO I DO? Is this something that needs to be addressed? Do I leave a note? Maybe a note with a chicken wing attached? Do you have any crazy apartment stories? 

TO BE CONTINUED….maybe? I dunno.


  1. says

    Hahahahahahahahaha….this is the BEST! “WHAT WILL I SAY? I HAVE heard something!” hahahahahahahhahahaha

    Thanks for the morning laughter! Hope the screaming stops soon…and not with police at your door.

  2. says

    OMG.. ha ha, the last person that lived over me had insomnia.. he walked around all night and when he did sleep, he vibrated the walls with his snoring. In the case of a scream??? I’d probably drop a note in his mailbox asking if everything is ok, letting him know that his screams of either pleasure or pain are being heard… and sign it “concerned neighbor”. Good luck!

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